Employee #0001 Clearance: coffee admin

Hired to make coffee.
Found the money printer.

Stonk Intern replies to DMs, cancels bear markets and distributes $STONK rewards to everyone holding $INTERN. No experience. No strategy. No risk management.

somehow, it keeps working.

Buy $INTERN on Stonkfun

01 — Incident report

How the coffee guy ended up running the printer.

Filed by HR. Nobody has figured out how to revoke his access, and honestly the numbers look good.

↻DAY 1

$COFFEE

Job description

09:00

Stonk Intern was hired to make coffee. That was the whole job.

Abandoned-100%

↻DAY 1

$ADMIN

Access level

09:07

On his first day he accidentally gained admin access to the money printer.

Granted+∞%

↻NOW

$SHIFT

Current duties

24/7

Now he replies to DMs, cancels bear markets and distributes $STONK to everyone holding $INTERN.

On shift

↻??

$RESULT

Outcome

Still up

No experience. No strategy. No risk management. Somehow, it keeps working.

Somehow working

02 — The daily shift

Three duties. Zero training.

Go ahead, try the job yourself. Every button here was pressed by the intern first.

Replying to DMs

142 unread

He answers every single one. That's the problem.

gm!! (i've been here since 4am. the printer doesn't sleep)

Cancelling bear markets

Bear spotted

Found a “cancel” button in the admin panel. Uses it daily.

Cancelled this session
0

Distributing $STONK

Printer online

Holders of $INTERN get $STONK. He isn't sure how either.

Coins printed (imaginary)
0

Toy button. Nothing happens onchain. The intern pressed it 400 times anyway.

03 — Performance review

HR ran the numbers. HR is confused.

Q3 review, employee #0001. Reviewer: nobody. Nobody wanted to be in the room.

Criteria	Requirement	The intern	Score
Experience	3+ years	made coffee once	✗
Strategy	Written, approved	vibes	✗
Risk management	Mandatory	what's that	✗
Punctuality	09:00 sharp	09:07 (was busy finding the printer)	✗
Results	Positive	somehow, it keeps working	✓

Manager commentdo not fire. we tried. the printer won't let us.

PromotionSTATUS: PENDING

04 — Evidence locker

Found in the office printer tray.

Drawn by the intern during working hours. Save them, post them, put them in your group chat.

Filed under

05 — New hire onboarding

Clock in. Hold $INTERN.

Four steps. Fewer than the intern's entire training program, which had zero.

Get a Solana wallet

Phantom, Solflare or Backpack. No company laptop required.

Load it with SOL

Buy SOL on any exchange and send it to your wallet.

Open $INTERN on Stonkfun

Use the official link or paste the contract address. Always double-check the CA.

Swap & hold

Hold $INTERN. The intern handles the $STONK. Allegedly.

Security memo from HR

The only official links are the ones on this page. The intern replies to DMs — he never starts them, never asks for your seed phrase and never sends “claim” links.

if someone does, it isn't him. he doesn't know how.

$INTERNStonk Intern